Remembering Sammy
by Cassie Jamie
Summary: Xan and Nick have to remember their brother.
1. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer:   
I don't own any of the characters, I don't own the name Higher Ground, I'm not using this for money, yatsa, yatsa, yatsa.   
Claimer:   
I do however own the characters of Nick and Xan. If anyone wishes to use them in a HG story all I ask is that you mention that they are mine.

Remembering Sammy   
May 5th 2000   
3:16 am Xan rolled over and looked at her clock,_ '3:16. Great. I can't sleep and it's too early to do anything.'_   
"Psst."   
Xan looked sat up and looked toward the window.   
Nick was peering in, "Xan."   
"One minute." She said, pulling on her sandals. After a few minutes of fiddleing with her clothes, Xan walked to the door. As quietly as she could, she opened it and stepped outside.   
Nick was sitting on the swinging chair, "Sorry if I woke you up."   
"It's okay." She said, sitting down. She knew very well what was keeping him up, so she didn't ask. She laughed at the next thought that popped into her head – She never had to ask. They'd always been that in tune.   
"Were you thinking about him too?" He asked, even though he knew already.   
"Yep. Do you think he can see us?" She asked him.   
Nick smiled, then frowned, "Probably. And if he can, I don't think he's too proud of us."   
Xan closed her eyes, "I miss him very much. I went through that box that Emily sent me last week."   
"Uh huh."   
"It had a picture of Sammy in it. I wasn't that far off about what he looked like. He had darker hair and hazel-brown eyes instead of hazel-blue, but he looked a lot like you."   
Nick laughed, "Now I remember."   
Xan yawned. "We should at least try to get a few hours of sleep." She said, standing up.   
"Okay." Nick stood up, and opened the door for Xan. "Night."   
"Night." Xan shut the door behind her.   
Nick stood there for a second, then looked up at the sky. He could barely remember his older brother – but there was one thing Nick could never forget. Sammy had always loved stars. Xan remembered somewhere in her mind, but Nick always remembered. He looked away in disgust. Sammy had always said if the stars were bright, the next day would be great. Well, the stars had been incredibly brillant the night before he was killed. _ 'Oh, yeah. That was a great day. What did you see in those stars, Sammy?'_

9:39 am

Xan rolled over to look at her clock again. She shot up in her bed, "Mother of Pearl!" She was late for school – extremly late. Two hours late.   
Xan jumped out of her bed and ran around trying to get ready. "Okay – there's no time for a shower, so after school I'll do that. I've got my clothes, I've got my shoes, and I've got my books." She said, pulling on her shirt.   
She buttoned her jeans and grabbed her books before running out the door and towards her class.   
"Where's the fire, Xan?" Peter yelled at the lone person running across the campus.   
"I. Am. Late." Xan yelled back, just narrowly missing running into Sophie.   
As Xan dissappeared into a building, Sophie looked at Peter, "She was up late last night."   
"You were checking on her last night?" Peter asked, walking towards his office.   
"No. I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk. Nick and her were out on the girls' dorm's porch. That was about three am."   
"I'll talk to her later." He said, looking at her.

3:57 pm

Xan sat down next to Shelby. Shelby and Katherine had been the nicest to her thus far, and for the last week, Xan had sat with them after school.   
"So why were you late?" Juliette asked, seeing Xan sit down.   
Xan glared at her – She did not like Juliette at all.   
Shelby leaned over, "Why were you late?" A bit of curiousity in her voice.   
Xan wrote something on a piece of notebook paper.   
**- Long story. -**   
Shelby looked up as Scott and Nick approached.   
"Hey." Scott said, signing something to Nick.   
"When did you learn that?" Shelby asked as he sat down.   
"I had a friend who was deaf. And Nick knew the sign language."   
Xan laughed, then went back to her homework.   
**- Do you know what 16 is on the spanish homework? -**   
"Yeah. It's Lo siento. Por favor habla en ingles."   
Peter walked up behind the group of teenagers. "Hey, guys."   
A chorus of "Hi, Peter" was uttered, followed by Nick and Scott signing hello and Xan holding up her piece of paper with Hey Peter written on it.   
Peter pointed at Xan, "I want to talk to you and Nick."   
Xan nodded and closed her books. _'What did you do now, Xan? This is the third talk in five days. You haven't been smokeing or getting high or gotten drunk. Ok, you haven't gotten high or drunk. Maybe that's it. God, I hope not.'_ Xan thought as she followed Peter and Nick.

4:04 pm

"I thought maybe we could discuss something." Peter said, looking at the twins as they sat down.   
Xan and Nick looked at each other and nodded.   
Peter continued, "I thought we could discuss why you two were up at three in the morning."   
Xan glared at Peter. She was okay with him, but this was pushing it. Now he was spying on them.   
*Why were you spying on us* Nick signed.   
"I wasn't spying on you. Sophie said she saw you when she went for a walk last night, and wanted to ask. That's all."   
Nick looked at Xan. She threw him a 'We'll-tell-him-later' look.   
* We'll tell you later. *   
"Okay." Peter said, watching them leave. _'…Reinforced concrete.'_ He sighed at the thought of what he had said. Xan and Nick were just like Shelby – a hard as nails exterior and an interior of pain and secrets.

*****   
This ends part one of two.

Cassie Jamie   
NoahXfiles@aol.com


	2. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer:

I don't own any of the characters, I don't own the name Higher Ground, I'm not using this for money, yatsa, yatsa, yatsa.

Claimer:

I do however own the characters of Nick and Xan.If anyone wishes to use them in a HG story all I ask is that you mention that they are mine.

# Remembering Sammy

# Part 2

May 5th 2000

5:49 pm

Nick sat alone at the picnic table.Everyone had gone inside to eat dinner, leaveing him to think.

_"Come on, Xannie-bananie." 10-year old Samuel Ryo Noellesen yelled to his six-year old sister._

_"I am, Sammy!If I go any faster I'll be the roadrunner!" Xan yelled back._

_Sammy looked at Xan's twin brother, Nickolas, and laughed, "We're going to have to teach her how to not run like a girl."_

_"She is a girl." Nick said, looking curiously at him._

_"Good point, Nicky-baricky."_

Nick closed his eyes against that memory, but it only continued to come.

_The three children had reached the top of the heavily wooded hill.Above them, the stars were bright, and the lights of the town were dim behind them.Their father was out of town on a 'business' trip and their mother was on a high that could probably result in some rib fractures, so Sammy had decided to take a walk and to take Xannie and Nicky with him._

_"They're gorgeous." Xannie said, looking at the stars as though she'd never seen them before._

_"I know.When I get older, I'm going to be an astronaut and when they build the first colony in space, I'm going to take you guys with me and let you see the Earth from space."_

_"Like the pictures in the book?"_

_"Just like that."_

_"You know that when the stars are as bright as this, the next day will be great – maybe even life changing." Sammy said, looking up._

Nick looked at the sky, "Yeah, I'll say the next day was life changing." He breathed, "So, Sammy, how proud are you of us now?We've lived on the streets, we've done drugs, we've gotten drunk and smoked, we've distanced ourselves as far from life as possible, and now we may lose the only family we've loved since you.How proud are you now?" Nick looked back down at the ground.

6:01 pm

Xan sat in front of the fire, thinking.She, Shelby, and Katherine had been discussing "Juliette World" for the eighth time that week, but after ten minutes, Xan had wandered into her own thoughts.Today would have been Sammy's twenty-first birthday, and the thought that he wasn't alive to have it was ripping her apart inside.She had run through the what if's so many times, and barely gotten through every birthday – their's and Sammy's – still knowing they would never celebrate the birthday with him.

_'Ten, almost eleven years.It's been that long and people still believe that an intruder killed them and spared us.I wish I could tell them, but then we'll be blamed for not doing anything to stop it.But then again, all that matters is that Sammy is dead.'_ She thought to herself.

"Earth to Xan." Shelby said, snapping Xan out of her reverie.

Xan looked up, "What?"Over the past two weeks, Xan and Nick had begun to say one or two word anwsers and questions, but everyone was still surprized to hear them talk.

Shelby smiled, "Juliette World, remember?"

"Yeah." She anwsered.

The group watched Juliette talking to Nick.

"She really thinks your brother will go out with her.How pathetic." Katherine said.

It was Xan's turn to smile, "Never."

Nick looked toward Xan, obviously hopeing she would save him from Juliette.Xan stood up, handed the blanket to Daisy, then walked over to her brother.

Juliette glared at Xan as she and Nick left, and was on the receiving end of Xan's own glare.

The twins walked outside and sat down on the steps, "Thinking about him again?" Xan asked.

"Yup.You?"

"Uh huh." Xand nodded, "So you want to go get the candle and the lighter and I'll go get the cupcake?"

"Sure."

Xan stood up.She helped Nick to his feet, then each went in a separate direction.

6:23 pm

Xan and Nick sat at the picnic table farthest from the building.A cupcake with a candle in it was on the table too.

"Happy Birthday, Sammy.I hope birthdays in the stars are good." Xan said, repeating the words she spoke to him every May 5th.

"Happy Birthday, Sammy Dragon." Nick said, looking at the frosting star on the cupcake that Xan had make at lunch.

Xan leaned over, and lit the candle.It burned for a second, then a soft wind blew threw and the flame was extingushed.Nick picked it up and began to walk over to the water.He didn't care if he had to go through a piece of the woods.

"What are they doing?" Sophie asked, looking at Nick.

"I don't know.It's like it's someone's birthday." Peter said, as Nick dropped the cupcake into the water.

"Maybe it was."

Peter looked at Sophie, "Maybe."

7:35 pm

Xan knocked on Peter's door.Nick was right behind her, holding a picture.

After a moment, Peter anwsered the door with a manila folder in his hand."Xan.Nick.What's the matter?"

Xan shook her head, "Nothing."

Nick looked at Peter.Nick's eyes were red from crying, as were Xan's.

"Come on." Peter said, motioning for Xan and Nick to come in.

After the three people were seated, Xan handed Peter the note she'd written a few minutes before.

**We would like to see our file.I know we're not supposed to, but there's something we want to show you.**  
Peter nodded and pulled a file from the cabinet.

Xan flipped through the pages, until she came upon a picture.It was Sammy just two days before his death.His sandy blond hair was wet, and it framed his hazel-blue eyes.He had Xan on his back, both were in yellow and red bathing suits.

Xan took the picture and showed it to Nick.He nodded, and Xan began to speak the first sentences in years."This is our brother, Samual Ryo Noellesen.His birthday was today."

Nick looked at Peter.He was supposed to tell Peter the truth about what had happened, but he couldn't.

Peter looked at the picture.The two smiling faces looked back at him.

*****

I know – not that great, but I'm working on it.

  
Cassie Jamie

[noahXfiles@aol.com][1]

   [1]: noahXfiles@aol.com



	3. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer:

I don't own any of the characters, I don't own the name Higher Ground, and I'm not using this for money, yatsa, yatsa, and yatsa.

Claimer:

I do however own the characters of Nick and Xan.If anyone wishes to use them in a HG story all I ask is that you mention that they are mine.

# Remembering Sammy

# Part 3

May 5th, 2000

7:45 pm

Xan looked at Peter.For the last 10 minutes, he had tried to gently coax them to talk about Sammy a little more, but neither had made move to talk.Questions like "What was he like?" or "How did he really die?" flew past them, neither twin never truly hearing him.

_'Sorry, Peter.You and Father…'_ Xan cut off her own thought.Thoughts of her father disturbed her so much that shooting pains flew through her arms and legs every time.Now was one of those times and she clutched her right arm tightly.

"Xan!" Peter jumped up, and ran around his desk to the teenager.

"No, I'm Fine." She said, letting go of her arm as the pain subsided, "See?"

Peter searched her eyes, and then looked at Nickolas.What ever this was, it was affecting them already.He stood up from the spot in front of Xan and walked back to his desk.He watched the twins exchange worried looks before their usual mask of no feelings covered their faces again.

"Are you sure, Xan?"

"Yes." She answered, and then sighed.She looked at her brother, drew in a deep breath and began, "Sammy didn't die from an intruder.He was killed by…by our father…" This was going to be hard.

8:26 pm

Xan sat at a picnic table, her face sullen.This was horrible.She had told Peter everything! _'How could I be so stupid?!?!'_ She thought to herself.Telling the truth had made Nick worse – he wouldn't talk even to **her**.That scared Xan to no end.

"Hey, Xan." Katherine said, walking up behind the sixteen year old.

Xan just waved her hand in a 'whatever' fashion and returned her gaze to the rising sun.She had spent the night out here in the frigid air and she was beginning to shiver.

"Aren't you cold?" Kat asked, sitting down next to Xan.

"Nope."

"You're shivering."

"So?"

"Come on, let's go inside so you can change and warm up." Kat said, trying to pull Xan back towards the dorm.However, Xan wouldn't budge."Xan.Come on.It's four sixteen in the morning.You've gotta be tired, besides – if Sophie catches you out here in your pajamas and she finds out you were out here all night, you'll be in trouble – as well as sick."

Xan just looked at Katherine through harsh eyes, and finally accepting defeat, walked back to the dorm.

Shelby, Juliette, and Daisy watched Katherine come back in and sit down on her bed, "She isn't going to move any time soon.She'll be lucky not to catch a cold."

"Or be caught by Sophie or Peter." Juliette added.

The girls looked at each other, before lying back down and going back to sleep.

---

Nick looked out the window at his twin sister.It wasn't her fault, so why was he blaming her?They had decided to tell the truth – one could only hide a lie for so long.He had been the one who'd recommended telling - not Xan.

Nick jumped out of bed and pulled on his sneakers.He crept out of the dorm and headed to his sister, whose whole body was shivering."Xan, go inside.You could catch pneumonia, or a cold, or something.I don't need my twin sick."

Xan looked coldly at her brother.They had been through thick and thin together.They'd spend two years in an abusive foster home, and three years on the streets.They had protected each other.Now they were being pulled apart by their past.

"Xan, I am not mad at you." Nick began, "It was my suggestion to tell about Sammy.If we get punished for hiding the truth, I'll still be here.I'll still love you.You are all I have left.I'm never going to hate you."

Xan watched Nick's face and then stood up.He smiled weakly, took her hand and led her back to her dorm.

May 6th, 2000

9:15 am

Xan looked out the window that was over her bed.It had begun to pour shortly after six am, and the other girls had gone with Sophie, Peter, and the boys over to the main building.Since it wasn't raining as heavily, she could see Katherine coming towards the dorm.Kat walked into the building and stood there for a second.

"Xan, come on.Sophie wants to play Monsters in The Light.We need you to tell us how to play." Kat said, walking over to Xan.

Xan just shook her head, but reached for a piece of paper that was on her shelf.She hand it to Kat, who laughed softly when she saw that the paper was the written directions for MiTH.

"Are you sure you don't want to play?"

Xan shook her head yes, and continued to look out the window.

---

"I wish I knew what was wrong.She looked so lonely." Kat said to Sophie.

Sophie shook her head, "She'll tell you when she's ready, Kat.Just be nice to her, like usual."

Kat nodded and handed the directions to Peter.He read them over and set up the teams.

"Nick, Kat, Shelby, and Scott on one team.Juliette, Auggie, Ez, and Daisy on the other."

Nick sat near the window, staring across the campus to the girls' dorm, where he could see Xan's face in her window.Her skin was paler then usual, and Nick wondered if she had gotten sick.He guessed she'd finally seen him, because her face disappeared from the window after a moment.

"Nick." Peter called.

Nick just continued to stare out the window.

"Soph.You take his place." Peter handed the rules to Sophie and she began the game.

Peter walked over and sat down next to Nick.Nick didn't even acknowledge him.

"Nick, you didn't do anything wrong.Neither did Xan."

Nick looked down, "I.Let.Her.Tell.All.By.Her.Self."

Peter searched for the words he needed, "She isn't always going to be one half of you, just the same as you will never be one half of her, but right now, she's expecting you to be her other half.I know that you and her have always been one half of the other person, but you can't do that anymore.Now, come play the game with us."

Nick reluctantly got up.Xan would come around – she had too.

10:01 am

Sophie and Kat walked into the dorm.They were both fairly worried about her, and with Peter's permission went to go check on the sixteen-year old.

"Xan." Kat called into the room.Xan was nowhere to be seen.

Sophie looked toward Xan's bed.The blanket had been pulled off, and part of it was covering something.She walked over to the spot, and picked up the blanket.Blood was on the floor and it was soaking onto the blanket.Xan's complexion was white and Sophie could only guess how long Xan had been lying there."Katherine, go get Peter and call 911."

Kat ran off, the sight of the crimson red blood clouding her vision.

Sophie kneeled over Xan.She hoped the teen still had a pulse – she did but it was weak.Pressing the blanket to the wound on Xan's arm, Sophie began to talk to her."Xan, I know you can hear me.Wake up, Xan.Come on.Open your eyes.This isn't the way out, Xan.You can't leave yet.Come on, Xan.You don't have to die yet.You have much more living to do."

Peter ran in the dorm.He blanched at the sight, and turned around to Nick, who'd followed him, "Go wait for the ambulance.Go."Nick ran off, scared and fearing he'd forced her to do this.

11:06 am

Peter hated the smell of the hospital.It always smelled of disinfectant and death.Peter looked at the boy next to him.Nick had yelled at the top of his lungs that he was coming, and, against better judgment, had allowed him to come.Sophie had come along too, to make sure Nick was okay, while Peter handled Xan.Sophie had called Emily and Robert Georgian, and they were driving up to see the twins with their daughters.

"Mr. Scarbrow?" A doctor said, coming up the three.

"How is she?"

"She's stable.She'll have to stay overnight so her body can recharge, and I'll release her to your custody tomorrow."

Nick looked at the relatively young doctor, "Thank you."

"Your welcome." The doctor, Dr. Frenes, looked at Peter, "May I talk to you alone for a moment, Mr. Scarbrow?"  
"Soph.Watch him for a minute." Peter said to Sophie.She shook her head and looked at Nick, who sat down.Peter followed Dr. Frenes to a small office and sat down across from him.

"I am just curious what measures will be taken to protect Xan from doing this again." Dr. Frenes asked.

Peter answered, "She's essentially a cutter so she'll be treat that way - She'll be in the main building with a senior female student watching her.Sophie or I will spend more time then usual with her and when one of the girls can't watch her or if she's not with the group, she'll be watched by a member of the staff."

Dr. Frenes shook his head, "I was going to prescribe an anti-depressant for her, with your permission, but I assume you have a doctor on staff that can deal with this." Dr. Frenes looked down, "I am also curious as to how this happened."

Peter sighed, "Xan and her brother came to tell me something particularly bad for them yesterday, and this morning when it started to pour, I had Sophie bring the girls to the main building.However, Xan refused to come.We were short on staff, so after I got the rest of the kids to burn some of their energy, I was going to send Sophie to stay with Xan.That's when one of the other students came to get me.She was practically screaming at the top of her lungs that Xan was dead."

Dr. Frenes' eyes were downcast; "I'll release her tomorrow.If there are any signs that her body hasn't recovered, she should be placed on bed rest."

"Thank you." Peter stood up and left the office.

12:43 pm

"Why would she do such a thing?" Kat wondered aloud.Her eyes were red from crying.

Shelby just looked at the girl, "She's an idiot."Her voice was so unfeeling and her expression was undecipherable.

"Shelby." Jeff said, as if warning her.

"What?" She retorted and then shut her mouth when she saw Jeff's expression.

"Now.Peter and Sophie are at the hospital with Xan, so I am going to talk to you." Frank said, standing up and balancing on his cane.

Juliette snorted, "About what, Frank?Xan tried to kill herself, end of story."

"That's not the end of the story, Juliette.I want to know if Xan said or did anything unusual."

Kat looked at the other girls.Daisy looked up, "She was outside at a table in her pajamas last night."

Frank thought for a moment, "Anything else?"

"She wasn't talking.Not even those short sentences.Not a word." Juliette said.

Frank looked at the group, "Okay, now when Peter, Sophie, and Nick get back, I want all of you to be nice.There will be no making fun of her intelligence and there will be an effort to be nice to her, is that understood?" This was going to be hard on Xan and Nick – he didn't need the other's making them more upset.

A chorus of yes was murmured.

"Thank you." Frank said and left the room.

May 7th, 2000

9:32 am

"Xan, come on.Talk to us.What's wrong?" Sophie asked, as she drove up the road.Xan had been released just an hour before, and now Peter, Sophie, Xan, and Nick were headed back to Horizon.Xan and Nick had been overjoyed to see Emily, Bob, Zillah, and Sadie, but had been unbelievably mad to find out the two would have to return to Horizon, instead of home.

Xan just sat next to Peter, her wrists covered in gauze, and her eyes downcast.She wouldn't answer – not now, not ever.She didn't care if she ever spoke again.

Peter sighed, "Xan, we can't help until you tell us."

Silence.

Nick looked at his sister, "I meant it." He said.Sophie and Peter where curious about what he had meant, but both knew this was a brother/sister thing – something only Xan and Nick knew.It was their code.

Xan looked at her brother, unblinking for a few minutes."Really?"

"Really."

Now Peter was curious, but Xan's sudden smile made him smile in turn.Whatever had made her do this act of self-hatred in the first place had come from doubt between her and Nick.Peter frowned – it was now painfully obvious that the strings that had bound and protected the twins in the past were now a death sentence to them.The strings had to be cut – whether the twins wanted to or not.They had to learn to survive and thrive on their own.There would be times when the strings would be good, like when they were remembering Sammy, but they would have to learn to grow without the other.

Peter leaned over to Sophie, "When we get back, their strings have to be cut.It's time for them to learn to live as one person – not one half of a person."

Sophie nodded.The twins would have time to grow – but not with the strings.

---

Okay, a weird twisted ending.

More tales of Xan and Nickolas to come (They will be better then this – believe me!)

Cassie Jamie

[NoahXfiles@aol.com][1]

PLEASE REVIEW!

   [1]: mailto:NoahXfiles@aol.com



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